Chased by Children

Couponing.....it's come to this.

Necessity is the mother of invention.  Right?  Well, that little phrase has nothing to do with this post.  Except the necessity part.  And maybe the mother part (I do have three kids)....but the rest of it you can just throw out.

Like almost everyone I know I am barely scraping by (please note the dangling preposition and realize that it's an indication of just how desperate I am).  I'm so broke that I can barely PAY attention  (stop groaning, you).   Phrases, like that one,  have started resonating with me that before I never fully understood.

"Trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents" sounds so charming until you really have to do it (and cashiers at Meier have no patience for the tune that accompanies it sung at the top of your lungs during checkout).  "Robbing Peter to pay Paul" makes me wonder where Peter lives and how hard it would be to get into his house.  Because Paul is starting to get aggressive about getting paid, and I ain't got it.  I digress...

All of this désespéré has culminated in my need to ensure that whatever I  spend is absolutely the least amount that can be spent.  This means my cart no longer runneth over (unless my mother is in town and she's footing the bill).  And everything in my cart has a coupon for it, sometimes "stacked" (which is black belt couponing lingo for two coupons on the same item -- one from the store and one from the manufacturer).   You live for the deals where you stack coupons and then get a fabulous catalina (those coupons that spit out after you check out) or gift card back. 

I'm a newbie.  I just bought my first coupon carrier (I had been carrying them around in increasingly large envelopes).  I just discovered Jill Cataldo who is amazing and does make it a little more fun (even the poverty stricken like fun). 

I'm pretty sure any minute now I will stop being able to function in regular society...you will just find me stumbling through the aisle of Target mumbling about expired coupons and their b#$sh*t catalina policy.  Don't worry.  I'll post about it.

The Cure for Cellulite

It's not an entire pint of chocolate peanutbutter ice cream by Haagen Daaz.

It's not biscuits and gravy (bacon gravy using my grandmother's recipe)

It's not chili with cornbread.

It's not a chimichanga from El Molino's.

So, we can rule those things out.  But trust me when I tell you that I will continue my rigorous testing until I find the cure.

Great Book: Little Bee

Little Bee was sitting on a shelf at my local bookseller.... it was an interesting book jacket because it didn't tell you anything about the book.

I didn't buy the book (poverty sucks, remember) but I did thinking I would look for it at the library. 

Then I forgot it's name and moved through my summer reading (The Help by Kathryn Stockett was excellent).  Then I ended up at a friends house and saw it sitting on her coffee table.  She couldn't recommend it highly enough.  She said to me, "it changed my life".

So I borrowed it.

I read it in two days.

I will not go as far as to say that it changed my life but I will say that it changed the way that I look at my life.  And that is really something.

Hit Girl makes me Smile, uncomfortably.

Okay, let's agree that all of us have different levels of tolerance for violence.

and vulgarity.

and very dirty words.

Let's set that aside for a moment. 

In the movie, Kick A** (newly released on DVD), Chloe Moretz plays an eleven year old superhero named Hit Girl.  In the movie she kills a lot of bad guys.  Most of them men.  All of them bad.  She has been taught the skills she uses (martial arts, weapons of various shapes and sizes) by her father, who in one scene shoots her in the chest (while she's wearing kevlar) so that she won't be afraid when someone else does.

It's not a heartwarming tale.  The language Hit Girl uses is........horrible.  It's horrible enough to make me cringe (and my tolerance is medium to heavy).  But....  as an example of a young woman in film, she's, well, she's admirable.

She does things with such incredible assurance.  She faces the bad guys, all of whom are three times her size and weight, with such gusto and then WINS!!

I can't recommend the movie.  I would absolutely tell my mother that it's not for her.  However, if you're feeling old.  fat. incompetent about anything.  Then maybe you should give Kick A** a look-see.

Let's Review, shall we?

 Last year at this time (Jan. 3) I made the following predictions (My current commentary appears in bold italics.

Okay, so I didn't make any resolutions but I did put on my  Amazing Carnac Turbin yesterday and had the following items pop into my head.

1. I will lose a lot of weight (35 lbs) and almost immediately cellulite will become the new black (and found to increase your life span by 10 years).  I will try desperately to gain back the weight but will eventually just reconcile myself to loving me the way I am.  Tee Hee!  I totally did this.  Of course, I lost the same pound 35 times so it's probably not what you expected, but still.

2.  Shannon, from Rocks in My Dryer will stop supporting Mike Huckabee for president and throw her own stylish hat in the ring.  She will create a ground swell of support from all of her blogging fans and win in a landslide.  She will single handedly bring peace to the middle east, balance the budget, and redecorate the West Wing -- all using tips from Works for Me Wednesday.  Mike Huckabee fell out early.  He was one of the more entertaining contenders though and I think could have been okay.  Shannon did not run and I'm still mad at her about it.

3. Dorky Dad will finally watch an episode of The Office.  It will change his life.  He will send money to whoever has been subtly suggesting that he do this.  lots. of. money.  He will join forces with Daddy Forever and they will change the face of fatherhood forever.  not in a good way.  Dorky Dad DID watch and episode of the office and I interviewed him about it here.  That's one funny Dork.

4. Melanie from Don't Try this at Home WILL try it at home and discover that she had nothing to worry about.  I have no knowledge of whether she did or she didn't.  However, since my mother and I are traveling to Blissdom in February to hear her speak, maybe I can ask her then.

5.  Brother Gunny will run in a local election which will launch him on his path to the White House.  I will immediately begin making myself over in the image of Billy Carter and Roger Clinton.  Think "Jenny Beer", "Jenny and the Blogetts", "First Sister Spills the President's Secret Life of Def Leppard Fandom- National Enquirer Headlines".  Brother Gunny ran for no public office this year.  However, even as much (much, much)older than me as he is, he's still a very young man so I won't give up yet.

6. Zipoc will introduce a new bag that actually CAN be used to make omlettes in boiling water without leaching chemicals into your gullet. Add Humor and Faith author will be vindicated. No less chemical leaching this year, how could I have been so wrong?

7.  Say Anything will become the most visited site in the entire blogosphere.  Bambi won't let it go to her head but she will move to a better neighborhood.  Those left behind will be devastated enough to write a tell-all book. Lisa from Take 90 West will move into Bambi's old house and gets everyone in the neighborhood addicted to hot chocolate.  Bambi and I both returned to full-time work this year and our blogging really slowed down.  However, with her wit and charm maybe 2009 will be her year in the blogosphere.  Speaking of Stepford, Chi-Chi is leaving....she has the nerve to move to Colorado.  I never liked her anyway.

8. Jenny from Chicago will be invited to join the cast of The View, to replace Elisabeth Hassleback, after the show moves to Chicago and into Oprah's old studio.  Oprah will leave her show, shave her head and take a spiritual sabbatical with Bob Green in Aruba.  Jenny will declare victory as she tears out the very.last.row.of.seats.  Nobody called.  Nobody wrote.  I will never again be on t.v.  (sniff, sniff)

9.  Beth from I Should be Folding Laundry will become the new Annie Liebovitz and begin photographing all of Hollywood.  She will use her fame and influence for good (despite what most people would have guessed).  She will mentor Paris, Lindsay, and Britney and be credited with their complete turn-around.  All three will become productive members of society eventually joining the Rosemont Police Dept. and helpfully keeping people from taking their camera's into Hannah Montana concerts.  Beth did launch a photography business this year so this prediction was just a little early.

10.  You will all ask 10 people to start reading Chased by Children every day and they will.  Next week those ten people will ask 10 people and so on and so on until I take over the world.  This totally happened and you know it.  yes you do.

Take these predictions to the bank.  They will happen.  Bet on it.

Okay, strap in.  Tomorrow I will be making this year's predictions.  Oh, and Happy New Year.

2008 Predictions

Okay, so I didn't make any resolutions but I did put on my  Amazing Carnac Turbin yesterday and had the following items pop into my head.

1. I will lose a lot of weight (35 lbs) and almost immediately cellulite will become the new black (and found to increase your life span by 10 years).  I will try desperately to gain back the weight but will eventually just reconcile myself to loving me the way I am.  Tee Hee!

2.  Shannon, from Rocks in My Dryer will stop supporting Mike Huckabee for president and throw her own stylish hat in the ring.  She will create a ground swell of support from all of her blogging fans and win in a landslide.  She will single handedly bring peace to the middle east, balance the budget, and redecorate the West Wing -- all using tips from Works for Me Wednesday.

3. Dorky Dad will finally watch an episode of The Office.  It will change his life.  He will send money to whoever has been subtly suggesting that he do this.  lots. of. money.  He will join forces with Daddy Forever and they will change the face of fatherhood forever.  not in a good way.

4. Melanie from Don't Try this at Home WILL try it at home and discover that she had nothing to worry about.

5.  Brother Gunny will run in a local election which will launch him on his path to the White House.  I will immediately begin making myself over in the image of Billy Carter and Roger Clinton.  Think "Jenny Beer", "Jenny and the Blogetts", "First Sister Spills the President's Secret Life of Def Leopard Fandom- National Enquirer Headlines".

6. Zipoc will introduce a new bag that actually CAN be used to make omlettes in boiling water without leaching chemicals into your gullet. Add Humor and Faith author will be vindicated.

7.  Say Anything will become the most visited site in the entire blogosphere.  Bambi won't let it go to her head but she will move to a better neighborhood.  Those left behind will be devastated enough to write a tell-all book. Lisa from Take 90 West will move into Bambi's old house and gets everyone in the neighborhood addicted to hot chocolate.

8. Jenny from Chicago will be invited to join the cast of The View, to replace Elisabeth Hassleback, after the show moves to Chicago and into Oprah's old studio.  Oprah will leave her show, shave her head and take a spiritual sabbatical with Bob Green in Aruba.  Jenny will declare victory as she tears out the very.last.row.of.seats.

9.  Beth from I Should be Folding Laundry will become the new Annie Liebovitz and begin photographing all of Hollywood.  She will use her fame and influence for good (despite what most people would have guessed).  She will mentor Paris, Lindsay, and Britney and be credited with their complete turn-around.  All three will become productive members of society eventually joining the Rosemont Police Dept. and helpfully keeping people from taking their camera's into Hannah Montana concerts.

10.  You will all ask 10 people to start reading Chased by Children every day and they will.  Next week those ten people will ask 10 people and so on and so on until I take over the world. 

Take these predictions to the bank.  They will happen.  Bet on it.

 

 

Hannah Montana Concert

Not one of you wrote, called, or sent word by any means.

Ear Plugs.

We needed them.

Not for the concert but for the 12 year-olds sitting directly behind us.  The decible level was intense from those girls.  They were very excited.

My friend Sunny and I took our 8 year olds to the concert as did every mother of a girl 6 to 14 in Illinois.  Okay maybe not everyone, but it was jam-packed.  The surprising fact was the number of Dads.  There were more than a few. 

Fortunately, Sunny let her daughter join the Hannah Montana fan club so she got pre-tickets and only had to pay the price on the ticket.  There were people around us that paid a mortgage payment to be there.

There were the usual concert hassles (not much has changed since I used to follow Amy Grant like some people follow the Dead).  Princess LuLu stepped into some snow with her glitter sparkle shoes and so she was a little whiney as we waited in the cold to get in, but other than that it was relatively nice.

I have to say this in the interest of full disclosure:  I had a great time.

Honestly, if Sunny hadn't mentioned this concert to me I probably wouldn't have made the effort to get there.  But it was a lot of fun.  The crowd was made up of parents and their kids who were fun and funny.  The music was clean with a girl-power slant and very up-tempo.  The costumes were colorful and lacking in "sexy" or "skin".  Miley mentioned God and Blessings more than once.  Her encore was dedicated to her grandfather who had passed away and while she sang pictures of him and her flashed on the giant screens.  It was very wholesome.

What's that?  Do I have any pictures?  Umm.  Well, I was carrying my camera on the way in when two helpful policemen told me that I would never get in with it.  I should just leave it in my car. 

Of course, once we sat down I noticed that the person next to me and the person in front of me both had their professional-grade cameras with them.  What's the word?  UGH!! 

I did get a nice shot of the cops who gave me this information:

How can I say this?

Dear O,

I know you're a fan of my blog so I knew I could just write this note here.

Ummm...how can I say this without jeopardizing our deep and enduring friendship?  My experience being in your audience was, well, anti-climactic.  The excitement of getting tickets was a real thrill.  The dreaming about possibly being on your Favorite things show was fantastic, but being in the audience was kind of a "suckfest" (to quote Grumpy Old Men, which I often do).

 

We arrived bright and early (our audience numbers were 20-23) and yet we were seated in the very.last.row.  We were seated at the farthest point in the room from you. The word "nosebleed" was mentioned several times in our row.  And because we know that your staff put the pretty girls up front we knew what that meant....(sniff, sniff).

We thought we looked pretty good (that's me, Sissy, Portia, and Bambie who is also New Diva on the Blog) as we left home.  Of course, we are wearing black, it's slimming and O we know you know that's important to a gal.

The staff in the waiting area had helped build our excitement by being coy about the topic...then when they announced that today was a live show we all went a little crazy (everyone in that room was buzzing about Favorite Things when they announced that).  In fact, we were all pretty sure that it was all a ruse about 'Knock, Knock it's Nate' and you were going to surprise us any second. any second now. any second....right up until Nate walked out.

After that, the audience was a bit less enthused.  In fact, the disappointment was palpable.  I think we all still did a pretty good job of acting excited about Nate's tours of homes decorated by the homeowners.  You acted like this was such a feat.  That these women (were they all childless? except for the one who just had her first?) had actually decorated their homes without the help of a staff of decorators.  It's called real life O, check into it.  And can I just tell you that the bargain hunter saving $4,000 on her custom zebra wood dining room table was a little too smug for someone who just bought the ugliest dining room table on the planet.  thankyouverymuch.

Giada was lovely (and is it just me or is she Natalie Portman's doppleganger).  However, the food she made (I swear to you that every single person in a six block radius got to try it before the people in the very.last.row) was just okay.  By that time we might have been the tiniest bit grumpy.

 

But we put on a happy face. 

And went to lunch at Claim Jumper. 

Where they were nice to us and told us we were beautiful and let us enjoy some of our favorite things...each other. 

Frankly, O, you could learn a thing or two from our friend Portia about kindness, hospitality and home decorating.  She rocks.  Out loud.

Catch ya on the flip side, O.

Jenny from Chicago

Oh My, Oh My, O-prah

Life is funny.  Remember this post?  Guess where I am going today.

To a taping of the Oprah Winfrey show. 

Can you believe what a lucky dog I am? 

I can't.

Here's how it happened.  Portia, my lovely neighbor here in Stepford, was on Oprah's site a couple of weeks ago and saw the link for "last minute ticket reservations" and clicked over.  She filled out a form and they called her less than 2 hours later and gave her 4 tickets.  4 instead of the 45 she really needed.  Just 4.

Who would she be bringing?  Who of her millions of friends would she give the single greatest gift (outside of her octopus recipe) they would ever recieve from her?  The producer on the phone said they needed the names right then.

Who

Would

She

Pick? 

Bloggers, she did what any of us would do.

A random drawing.

ME.  She picked out ME.  Hooray!  New Diva on the Blog is going too. Hooray!!  Sissy rounds out our foursome.  What fun!

Chi-Chi, Ada-Lee, and Elaina are not going and that is the only thing that dampens our enthusiasm.  It would have been fun if we all could have gone together.  You realize that I have to say this because they read my blog....right?  Nothing could actually dampen my enthusiasm.

Anyway,  we have our fingers crossed that it's the Favorite Things episode because it would be fun to see us lose our minds on National Television.  We're cool like that.  As you may remember, I am a television veteran.

The site says that they are showing the Nate Berkus episode today but we're pretty sure that was taped a while ago.  Of course, I would love to see Nate Berkus.  He's so cute, and travel sized for your convenience.  What was I talking about?  Oprah.  and Me.  together. just. this. once. 

I promise not to talk politics....really, I promise.

Into the Thick of it....

I need your help.

As you may be able to tell from the tiredness of my recent posts, October has been a busy, busy month.  Three huge events: CRHP, Halloween Bash and the Ball all right in a row.  I am just getting warmed up.

Everyone has a busy November and December, right?  Add the regular Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities to THREE Princess birthdays, my own birthday and a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. I guess I also have to do laundry for the five of us. What's the word?  Yikes.

Tips, helpful hints, and suggestions are all welcome here. What's that you say?  Flee to Mexico (outside the country, ahem) and wait for it to all blow over?  Don't think I haven't considered it. 

However, I really do need more practical ideas about organizational tools around this busy time of year, that you've successfully used in your lives.  (Lisa, from Take 90 West, I am especially interested in hearing from you with your beautiful laundry room).  Link back to yourself with the posted hint OR just leave it in the comment section.

Help.  Holiday Organizational Tips

Help.  Birthday Parties for Princesses

Help.  Disney planning

dot. dash. dot.