The countdown begins... 20 years since high school graduation. It's August 2nd!
Back then I was really something.
Something other than what I am now (30 pounds heavier, for one thing)
Here's my plan: Memorize a lot of quotes from Stephen Colbert and gain roughly 30 more pounds. That way it won't seem like I'm trying too hard. Also, every woman there will feel better if the Homecoming Queen shows up really fat, right?
I plan to give the same speech that Suzanne Sugarbaker gave to her class reunion during my favorite episode of "Designing Women". Her classmates voted her "The Person Most changed". It went something like this:
Suzanne: Well, this is quite a surprise. I guess maybe I deserve this award for the Person-Most-Changed, but (pause) not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful and what I find out was that I'm fat (pause) at least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me. The biggest change is that the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion and then she would have gotten even. But I'm a little older and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be.
A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together and there's no point in pretending some of mine came true and some didn't.
I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that but this one does.
Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but I’d rather talk about my heart because (pause) it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will. Because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet. I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.
And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because #1. I love trophies and #2. I earned it. Thank you.
Any other suggestions about how I could make a big splash without dieting and becoming tanorexic -- would be GREATLY appreciated.
Your popularity was never about your looks, Babe. It was always about the neat, original, funny, loving person you were -- and the fact that you were cute was just a bonus! And, you are more beautiful now than you have ever been before, both inside and out. Go and enjoy your reunion, because it will be the most fun because you're there!
Love, Mom
Posted by: Sandra | June 07, 2008 at 05:03 PM
I agree with your Mom!!!! If you are 30lbs heavier then I think you were anorexic in high school. You are beautiful inside and out. Enjoy your time!
Posted by: The Eastsider | June 07, 2008 at 08:23 PM
Your mom said it all, sista.
But, for the more materialistic tips, go get your make-up done at MAC (or someplace similar), and have them put fake eyelashes on. They don't look as ridiculous as you think - they will make your eyes look STUNNING. They're surprisingly subtle, yet make just that finished touch. For me, if I have good make-up and some falsies on, the rest just melts away and I feel confident and beautiful.
Which you are. So stop fussing.
Posted by: Christie | June 08, 2008 at 09:22 AM
awwwww. I love your mom's comment. Mom's rule. You will look gorgeous that night, girlie. Rock those 30 lbs. And if it makes you feel any better my 20 yr is next year and I'm a good 50 lbs heavier than in HS, but I like myself a whole lot more these days. ;)
Posted by: Ann | June 08, 2008 at 07:54 PM
You know you will own the place and that your peeps love you just the way you are!
Posted by: New Diva | June 09, 2008 at 10:36 AM
Go and have fun! You are gorgeous! Know it and own it!! Your mom is so great and her comment is right on!! You got it, own it!
Posted by: Chrissy | June 09, 2008 at 09:50 PM
Uh, 20 year reunion and only 30 pounds? That's an accomplishment if you ask me. Chicks showed up at my 10 year with a good 50 pounds added to their frames. So, suck it up, and I don't mean literally.
If you really want to distract them, though, bring a woman with you and tell everyone you're a lesbian now.
Posted by: X | June 09, 2008 at 11:44 PM
If I only gained 30 lbs since graduation, I'd stroll into that reunion naked.
Posted by: autumn dahlia | June 10, 2008 at 01:05 PM
I was thinking of some lines from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.
Posted by: The Eastsider | June 11, 2008 at 09:21 AM
Wow, Homecoming Queen. You lucky bi-otch.
Posted by: More Than A Single Mom | June 12, 2008 at 07:40 PM
You know what I think always looks stunning on women: a big smile, great posture, and an easy laugh. If you got those things, you got beauty.
Posted by: Simple Blog Writer | June 16, 2008 at 08:45 AM
Oh I love Sandra's comment......just beautiful...
As for the 30 pounds....well I did tell ya to give that Starbucks triple extra large coffee with double wipped cream and dipping sauce away LMAO....
BUT...I have an idea
....LMAO..yes...sometimes a light does flicker on....Buy some of those suck me in so tight I cannie sit down body suits to wear under your clothes...they work a treat !..promise...I love mine.....xoxoxxo
Posted by: Danielle | June 20, 2008 at 06:51 AM
You've just filled out a little.
There's always....fasting. St. Catherine of Sienna survived eating only the Host. But then, she wasn't trying to look good at her class reunion.
Be careful about not eating. You'll be thin, but you'll grow a beard.
Posted by: Sister Mary Martha | June 24, 2008 at 01:58 PM
You've just filled out a little.
There's always....fasting. St. Catherine of Sienna survived eating only the Host. But then, she wasn't trying to look good at her class reunion.
Be careful about not eating. You'll be thin, but you'll grow a beard.
Posted by: Sister Mary Martha | June 24, 2008 at 01:58 PM
I went to my class reunion and found that the same tired old cliques were still hanging out together.
So I found a table with a group of really interesting people that had done interesting things since high school and my husband and I had a really nice time.
Although I had never considered the lesbian angle, hmmmm maybe next reunion.
Posted by: angelmeg | July 05, 2008 at 11:30 AM