Chased by Children

Stepford Breakfast

So some of the gals from Stepford and I got together for breakfast at Panera (they were out of the delicious turkey sausage souffle--but I didn't complain).  I had actually forgotten how fun these women are....and I think they'd forgotten how irreverent I can be. 

Chi-Chi was in particularly good form.  She had the best line of the morning when Sissy and I were talking about our pre-teens staying home with a headache.  She said, "So they had the WHINE flu". 

I laughed so hard.  Love the Stepford wives. 

Lipstick Jungle Returns

We'd forgotten.

It's been several months and we all remember how much fun it was to get together once a week to sip some wine and watch a little beefcake here in Stepford.  We were excited to get together tonight for the show's return.

We'd forgotten how cringe-worthy the writing was and how bad the acting was...it's possibly worse this season if the premier is any indication.

One thing we didn't forget:  Va Va Va Vooooooooom.

Yeah, I think we can fit this show into our regular schedule.

So Judgmental....about Lipstick Jungle

Here in Stepford we do what we can to stay connected.  Before I took my current assignment (yes, it's a job Lola) we'd see each other every day or so.  Now that I am on assignment (yes, Lola, it's a real job) we've had to be more creative about our time together.

Because not spending time together is not an option.

Anyway, when we heard about this new show Lipstick Jungle we thought it would be something we could do for an hour together once a week.  Sissy or Chi Chi will host and it's a reason to put each other on the day planner.

Good Plan.

We watched the first episode and were underwhelmed. Some of the dialogue is cringe worthy.  The Brooke Shield's character is a little, unbelievable.  One of the characters started an extra-marital affair (boy, are we NOT the audience for that).  We all agreed it was kind of a dumb show.  Until the 25 year old "affair" took off his shirt.

Hmmm.  Maybe we were a little too quick to judge.

It's been 4 weeks now and we've seen every episode.  While we still agree that Andrew MaCarthy is miscast, and we still are able to accurately guess what the next line will be, we still keep the t.v. on while we talk and when that Robert Buckley takes his shirt off we are mysteriously quiet.

Avert your eyes if you are allergic to beefcake.

New Diva does a Contest

Check out New Diva on the Blog who writes at Say Anything.  She is doing a contest and the prize is a $50 gift certificate to William Sonoma.  All you have to do is name a nail polish after her (and follow her rules, of course).

My name for her nail polish would be: Charlize Theron eats her own Boogers Brown.

I know you can do better.  go for it.

I'm sorry you have to see this...

Okay, here are King George (dressed as a samurai in a very comfortable costume) with his boyfriend, Harvey Keitel in drag.  I actually did some touch up on this picture of us because it was just that bad.  The wig was way to small so I colored on it (using the computer)  apparently it's a bad coloring year for me too.  Who knew?

The prize winners:  Funniest:  Queen Bee and her minion

Sexiest:  Naughty Nurse

Best Couple:  Santa and his Lit elf

Scariest:  Pregnant Nun

Best Costume:  Old Man (note the nuts) and Goldigger

Nightmares of a Geisha   

A short Stack of Hot Cakes

Chi Chi got off the plane from Orlando and came DIRECTLY to the party (she donned the pumpkin shirt in the bathroom).  She is such an awesome friend that she came to perform her her annual duties of counting the votes for the costumes.  Ummm....what's that?  Why didn't I win anything?  Shut up.

A Table Full of Friends

At the end of the week, at the end of the day at the very end of the evening I found myself at a table of some of the nicest women I've ever met.  I know I am always going on about how lovely the women of Stepford are....it's true they are lovely.  Bear with me (yes, I know you threw up a little bit in your mouth)

I've moved around quite a bit.  Indiana, Illinois, Minnesota, New Hampshire and Illinois again.  I've made friends where ever I've gone.  Smart, funny, practical women turn up in every corner but not with the ability to devote themselves to one another like this group. 

I've told you already about Chi-Chi,  but each of them have gone above and beyond for me on numerous occasions.  I was wondering what I've done to deserve them and all their kindness.  But then I decided I would list the stuff I've done to deserve their kindness:

1.  I hardly ever let my dog pee in their yards....I let the cat pee in their yards far more frequently.

2.  The landscaping gods have not been kind to me.  The Stepford wives pretend to be sympathetic but secretly know that this makes them look good.

3.  When they knock at my door they instantly feel better about their wardrobe choices, parenting skills and housekeeping abilities.

4.  I throw a killer party every year with celebrities and nuns (some of whom are also celebrities or on the lam).

5.  I regularly give them the opportunity to watch my children while I go about my frivolous activities (no I do not accept payment, good question)

6.  I've gained roughly 2 tons since arriving in Stepford.  Who wouldn't love a friend like that?

7.  I have been known to attend a Southern Living party or two (read that: 6,578 parties in two years) .

8.  I am a font of good advice on topics like:  saving a kitten, talking to Joss,  burying the body, eating the evidence and how to cheat at Pokeno.

9.  I don't garden in a bathing suit.  In fact, I don't garden at all.  I'm scared of the people behind me.

10.  After a pear martini I'm ready to go home. 

My Friend Chi-Chi

I have to write a post about my friend Chi-Chi.  She is one of the world's greatest people and I get to live on the same block with her.  Sadly, I think the two of us even out the good/evil ratio by living in such close proximity.....but I digress.

She brings soup when you are sick.  Who does that any more? Nuns and Chi-Chi

She writes a card when you are down.  And not the smart-ass kind either.

She once put a gift certificate to Starbucks in my mailbox because I was having a rough week.  Jealous?  Of course you are.  Simmer in it baby because it's about to get worse.

Yesterday I was in a pickle because I had a business meeting that I was contemplating having to take Princess MiMi to because I couldn't get a sitter.  Chi-Chi stops by to ask if I want anything from Starbucks and when she hears about this insists that she watch the kid while I'm out......she stopped by to find out if I WANTED ANYTHING FROM STARBUCKS and ends up WATCHING MY KID for two hours.  God help me, I love her.

You know, I don't deserve her friendship.  I am kind of hard to take sometimes (no, no, please stop nodding shaking your head) but she is sweet to me still.  Chi-Chi, I love you and if I end up with half the friendship skills you have it will be through your divine  (and probably life-long) influence.

 

The Nudists

Our Neighborhood is fantastic.  Are you tired of hearing that?  Well, it's not all fun and games.  There is an unsavory element too.

Our street of homes backs up to another street of homes (we don't have alleys).  Often, in the summer when we get together, we sit on somebody's back deck or porch after dinner and make each other laugh. 

Anyway, these homes that we back up to are filled with people that we only know peripherally.  One house is always black they just never seem to be home----with one glaring exception.  Any time we have a gathering on someone's back porch the light goes on IN THE MASTER BATHROOM of this house and various members of the household get naked and take a shower. 

And while every other window in the house has a shade, they have no window treatment, no shade, no nothing on their huge half-moon bathroom window.  We all get treated to a show that generally shows very little-- until invariably, the mother decides to shower.  Then it shows more than I need my children to see.  It's a bit of a joke -- except of course, that it's just not that funny.  What is wrong with these people?  Who leaves their HUGE bathroom window untreated when you have "back door neighbors"? 

And how exactly does one approach this issue with these people? 

Knock. Knock.

Hi, I'm Jenny I live right behind you.  (yes, I'm the one with no landscaping ....yes, just a stoop...I'm not really sure when we'll get around to that....uh that's a good tip...thanks) Um.  On the last fifteen occasions that I've been in my back yard and the last thirty times I've been in one of my neighbors' back yard (yes, we do get together a lot....no, not every night) we can't help but notice you, your sons and particularly your wife getting undressed and showering.   

After dark, when you put that really bright bathroom light on....well, everyone can see everything that goes on in there.  (Uh, if you look up that statute I think peeping toms are something completely different...yes, I think it's wise that your wife get involved) 

Hi, I'm Jenny (yes, the one with no landscaping ...your husband mentioned that....good tip).  Anyway, as I was just telling your husband, after dark that bathroom of yours is like watching a movie of everything that goes on in there (ummm....the dirty kind?).  I'm sure you didn't know (Who are you calling?.....I don't think you need to get the police involved....no, I have not been convicted of this before.... )

Perhaps it would be easier to just leave a window shade and an anonymous note.  Darling readers I would welcome your counsel.

Underdog part 2

*****Please see previous post if you haven't read it yet.********

Ever cared for a newborn kitten?  No?  Here's a tip: don't.

Underdog was under that bush for a while, who knows how long it had been since she'd been fed.  We don't live near an emergency veterinary hospital so we had to wing it. 

Baby Formula.  I have some left over from Princess MiMi's infancy.  Doesn't that seem like such a great idea?  (When I later told the medical assistant at the vet that fact she looked panicked and said, "Oh, no"). So every two hours I fed her a dropper of formula and then let her suck on one of my fingers until she would fall asleep for between 20-40 minutes.  She was clearly freaked out.  I was clearly freaked out.  The King was asleep.  Yeah, total flashback to having a newborn princess.

The funny part is that I started to feel sorry for Underdog's mother.  Even though Underdog's eyes were not yet open she would not sit still....which makes me think she's Catholic.   As soon as she was awake she would start crying and trying to get somewhere ... rather quickly for someone so young.  I definitely see how mom lost track.

Bleary eyed the next day I walked into our nearest open vet.   I brought Princess CoCo with me because at 9 she exudes more competence and maturity than her mother.  It was a little bit surreal walking in with Underdog wrapped in towels crying miserably.  I talked briefly with the medical assistant -- long enough for her to become extremely concerned.   

Three seconds later she was introducing me to a "Foster Mom" who was already caring for two young kittens who's mother had died.  Underdog was whisked away from me as the Foster Mom immediately started stimulating her butt....yes, you read that correctly.  Apparently all that crying might have been about the fact that she hadn't gone potty in so long.  The mother typically stimulates them to get them to go....something. I. had. not. been. doing. 

The Foster Mom made me feel good about my sleepless night.  She said Underdog wouldn't have survived the night because 1) her crying would have drawn predators and 2) her body would have dropped to a fatal temperature.  She said the words every adult wants to hear, "you did the right thing by bringing her home and you did the right thing by bringing her here."  Now if only someone would say that to me about my kids.

A Kitten Called Underdog

Here in Stepford (the 'hood) we often have gatherings on Friday nights that range from planned  potluck affairs to ringing someone's door bell and announcing that we are all coming in....sorry Elaina.

Friday night as I was walking to one such event I heard the distinctive cry of a kitten in distress.  I approached the immaculately groomed bush in which it was hiding (in my neighbor Desiree's yard) to see what I could see.  I couldn't coax it out and since it wasn't near her very expensive "custom lighting  story" I knew I needed a flashlight.  I rang Desiree's door but she was out, the nerve!

I sprang into action.

Two hours later I returned to the scene with Chi-Chi, Sissy and Ada-lee armed with a flashlight.  We found the kitten.  It was so tiny that we thought, only for a moment, that it might be a mouse.  However, the vocalization clearly said feline and the face was of that most adorable variety.

Alone.  Crying.  In need of mother's milk.  Amidst 4 mother's whose children were now all whining "Can we keep it?".  Who would be the hero?

Chi-Chi was the one most likely candidate, she has two kids and no furry pets (which means she practically lives alone) but sadly (with no doctor's note, mind you) she says she is allergic.  Really? 

Hmmmm.....Sissy is always on the lookout for new souls to care for -- she has three kids, a dog, a cat, two frogs and a clean laundry room.  She says she is afraid (with no fear whatsoever in her voice) that her dog would eat it.  Yeah right. 

Ada-Lee has a full house with three kids and two ENORMOUS rotweiler dogs.  I am afraid that Ada-Lee's dogs will eat the kitten....sometimes I am afraid that Ada-Lee's dogs will eat me.  That's another story.   

After much agonizing the other women decided I should keep the kitten.  The King was pleased as punch (meaning he was so pleased he almost punched me).

(See Part 2 here)