Chased by Children

Interview with Sandra (my mutha) from Add Humor and Faith...mix well

With some trepidation my mother has agreed to an interview swap.  She also lectured me a little bit about some of my answers to other interview questions (she doesn't think it's funny when I joke that I am actually a man -- go figure).  Anyway, she is one of the funniest people I've ever known (I sincerely think she could give Eddie Izzard a run for his money if she approved of his lifestyle, that is).  She is smart, gregarious, faith-filled and a great mom -- all the things I want to be when I grow up.  Without further ado....my mutha asked me these questions.  Go here to see her answers to my questions.

1. What was it like going through grade school in the school where your dad had attended and where two of your aunts were now teachers, and your great uncle was your school bus driver? 

It was very comfortable.  I really had no perspective on it until many years later.  The feeling of community was inherent in the school/church experience.  I wrote about the bubble once, and how some days I long for it. 

 

My whole growing up experience was unique though.  To have conversations with people who knew your own great-great grandfather is not something a lot of people get to do.  My bedroom at home was a room that 5 generations of my family had used as their own before me that is extraordinary.  I could go on and on.....

 

2. Is it true that you wore beige throughout most of your high school years?  And any time your fashionista (as she liked to think of herself) mother bought you attractive, colorful clothing, you took it back the next day?

 

Yes.  I look good in beige.  It was especially attractive with eighties hair and a fake tan.  I don't know why you never agreed with me on that.  I do remember shopping with you.  We would invariably be in tears at the end but we would band together to sneak the packages into the house.  Ah.  Mother/Daughter bonding.

 

3. You lived close to both sets of grandparents as a child so you knew them very well.  What is your favorite memory of each of them?

Wow.  It would be hard to pick a favorite....  the grandmothers were such a big part of my life.  And they were sooooo different from one another that you've just given me a great idea for a post.

 

Grandma V.  was tall and soft and gentle.  She was so patient with me.  I remember when I was three or four her letting me pretend that I was going off to work (like Grandpa did).  She set me up a place to "work" in part of the desk in the kitchen.  Then she packed me a lunch (white bread sandwich with raspberry preserves and butter - delicious) and would kiss me good-bye after she gave me a list of things to pick up on my way home.  (I remember her back slanted letters so well) Basically she mimicked exactly what she did with Grandpa every day.  Then I would go off to "work" eat the sandwich out of the brown paper bag she'd put it in and then immediately go back to her so she could do it again.  I really like those sandwiches and it seemed like she played this same scene with me a hundred times.  She was such a good person that I like to think that some of her goodness spilled onto me while I was with her.

 

Grandma A. was short and full of energy.  She was always in the her coffee scented kitchen making something wonderful to eat.  She would cook and I would sit at the counter and do something elaborate that she had prepared for me.  She would cut patterns for my dolls out of scraps of fabric and then let me sew them together.  She would create cookie frosting that was thin so I could "paint" christmas cookies.  She was so creative.

 

Then while she was cooking and I was busy she would tell me the most amazing stories.  Often about people she was related to who had amazing lives.  She would tell me things she had done before she'd met Grandpa (who she adored).  She must have told me the story of meeting Grandpa a thousand times.  She always had a light in her eye as she described meeting the most handsome man in her Sunday school class.

 

4. Tell me about the time that your dad was running for sheriff and you stood at a polling place asking people to vote for him verrry early in the morning on a verrrrry cold November election day.  Do you think you helped him get elected, or did he get elected despite your not-an-early-morning-person contact with the voters?

As I get older, you and Gunny will be surprised to learn, I have become more of a morning person.  That said, I did nothing to help elect my father.  I did stand out near a voting place and hand out informational cards.  I remember being very cold.  I remember being very hungry.  I remember being very nervous about the election because I didn't yet know how popular Dad was.  I did meet people who were out there for other candidates but none of them stayed long...I can be an intimidating presence and since I was hungry and kept asking them to go get me some food, it wasn't much fun for them there.

 

5. If you could see into the future, in 20 years what would each of your daughters be doing?

CoCo (would be 31) - she will be living somewhere interesting like New York.  She will probably be a doctor of medicine and I could see her doing something charitable with it.  Like running an inner-city clinic for the poor.  She will be a leader in every community of which she is a part.  I will continue to ask her to run for public office, but she probably won't.

 

LuLu (would be 29)- She will live near her mother (maybe next door).  She will be doing something extraordinarily creative but academic, like being the curator at the Chicago Museum of Art.  She will be the perfect blend of creativity and intelligence for a job that needs sales and brilliance.

 

MiMi (would be 25) - She will be in graduate school at Harvard or MIT studying something very specific like the life cycle of the rarest African cricket or a new sort of math.  She will rise to the top of her field and be very famous in that community.  I could see her eventually teaching at an elite level. 

 

Jenny (would be 39 still) will be living on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.  She will be mulling over offers for CEO positions and trying to decide which would be most satisfying (money, not an object).  She will have a cat named Claude.  She will drive a beat-up Escort that looks like it's from 1992.  It will not be a hybrid.  However, her home will be an amazing blend of style and culture and OPULENT furninshings.  Her neighbors will love her (except crotchety Mr. Andressen who will think she's entirely too happy all of the time).

Interview with Lyndsay of I used to be Witty

Lyndsay at I used to be Witty is a new found bloggy friend.  She's funny and she's in HR....which, if you didn't know is a rare combination.  Please visit her site to see her answers to my brilliant questions.  And these are the questions she had for me.

1) What indulgence is your weakness? Go ahead, spill it, what is your guilty-pleasure?  We all have one.

The spa.  And lately I have really amped up the indulgences (not to be confused with indulgences once sold by the Catholic Church).  I have been going there regularly to get facials and the occasional massage.  With the stress of my life lately it really helps relax me.  I've even started taking CoCo there for facials because she has inherited my oily skin and the aesthician there is phenomenal for that (and she's not scared that I have pimples AND wrinkles -- but that is another post dahling).

2) How did you end up in the Human Resources field?  What would your second career choice be?  How do you feel about a "take a blogger to work day"? You can pull some strings, right?

Ha!  Love this question, and the idea of "Take a Blogger to Work Day".

To steal a quote from my favorite movie, "Like many events in my strange life I was taken there by the current".  - Memoirs of a Geisha

Here's a summary of how I ended up in HR:

Law School: realized I'm not cut out for paper pushing.

Chicago: realized I loved it.

Recruiting:  realized I loved people (go figure).

Friend takes VP role at awesome company:  she realizes she needs me there.

I become an HR professional.

I promise more details in my second book, " "HR Rock n Rolla"

3) From reading your blog, I can tell what an involved, connected mom your are to your little girls.  It also sounds like you have a great relationship with your parents.  If you could give one piece of advice to other moms, what would it be?

Here is my one peice of advice....don't be too hard on yourself and don't be too hard on other Moms.  We are all doing the best we can and that's all we can expect from ourselves and one another.  Be kind to other mothers...some days the kindness of other moms is the only kindness we get.

Wait.  Is that one peice of advice???  I don't know.  I'm not great with math.

4) You write so openly and honestly on your blog.  What is one thing about you that people are surprised to learn?

That I'm actually a man.

5) Why did you start blogging?  What have you loved about blogging that caught you by surprise?

I started bloggin as a creative outlet and found a community of people who are wonderful to communicate with.  It's been such a surprise pleasure and since I drug my mother (kicking and screaming) into it, we've had another forum about which to connect which has really been fun for the two of us too.

Thanks so much Lyndsay, may you live a long and happy Human Resources life.  And I will need your home number in case I ever need to find a job...thanks again.
 

Interview with Tastefully Sharon at Exile in Momville

Sharon and I know one another from Saint Whotheheck.  She is a beautiful blond who I initially wanted to hate (did I mention a beautiful blond).  However, she won me over with her snarky sense of humor and her willingness to laugh at my jokes.  I think we could take over the world if we joined forces.  Go here to see her brilliantly named blog.  She is answering my questions there today.

1.   I have a daughter who’s considered quite the spaz, but it’s because she’s brilliant and 4th graders don’t get brilliant.  Were YOU considered quite the spaz in 4th grade?

Yep.  And it started much sooner than 4th grade.  When I was in third grade my teacher told my parents that she (I love you Mrs. Hauser if you're reading this) was concerned about how much control I wanted over the other girls.  Go figure.  I've always wanted to boss other girls around.  Brilliant has nothing to do with it. 

2.   There are times I cannot keep up with your quick-witted replies…any advice for those of us who want to wow you with our wit but can’t?

Ha!  You kill me.  My only advice is that you are not eating enough ice cream (or custard if you have a Culver's near you).  It's the secret to my success (and the size of my ass)

3. When did you reach your full height?  My 5th grader is hoping she’ll be 6 ft. by 8th grade…it will help w/her supermodel goal.

First of all she could already be a supermodel.  Second, a girl continues to grow until a year after she has her first cycle (wink)....I don't want to alienate all my male fans by saying anything more than that.  So I reached my full height in 8th grade.  I weighed 148 pounds in eighth grade which I remember being horrified about.  I'm 5'10"  and I would KILL to be that weight again. 

4.  My friend says that most women are divorced in their heads a long time before they actually ask for the divorce.  Did it feel that way to you?

Yes.  I think it's a long process and many of the books I've read confirm what your friend said.  There is so much stigma about divorce that I think you REALLY have to decide that it is the absolute best thing for you, your children and your spouse.  It's not easy.

 

5.   British comedians or gay comedians?  Or, and I think I know this one, gay British comedians?

TRANSVESTITE comedian Sharon TRANSVESTITE comedian.  Eddie Izzard isn't gay he's transvestite which means he enjoys wearing women's clothes...and enjoys women.  That being said, I love british humor in general.  And even if Eddie Izzard were a gay woman from New Jersey I would still be a big fan. 

6.  What would make you feel all better?  It’s hard to know a friend is sad…

This is a great question.  I have a list for people who are divorcing.

....be overly nice to me at events when you see me there alone....it's weird for me to be there by myself and some people are NOT nice when they know you are divorcing...

...be overly nice to my children.  they are going through the most diffcult thing and if you exclude them from events, or ignore them it makes it worse...

...be understanding if I don't always have my s(&$% together, I'm a wreak right now and probably will be for a long time...

...don't make assumptions that one of us is bad and one of us is good.  There are two sides but neither of us is innocent...

...take me out for beer, ice cream, custard, or martini's often...

7.  What’s the funniest family joke that no one would get? You know, one of those obscure movie quote moments, where you just say one word or one movie line and all the kids start cracking up?

8.  Do you wish you were blonde?  Oh wait, that's a stupid question.  I mean really, doesn't everyone wish they were blonde?

I'm blond at the moment...don't look too closely at the roots.

So yes.

Interview with Thea of I'm a Drama Mama

Remember Thea?  She theoretically won a Starbucks card from me many many moons ago.  I have her address because a year or so ago I won one of her contests....and yet, still she waits.  Rawther dramatic, don't you think?  Well, that's perfect because her blog is I'm a Drama Mama. Which is some of the most honest writing you come across here in the old blogosphere....and I DIG THAT ABOUT HER.  Go there now if you want to read her answers to my questions.

1.  Since I helped you name it (ahem), I feel the need to ask you about the book.  How on Earth are you going to find the time?  Should we expect a decrease in bloggy nuggets from you?  Will the cover photo be reminiscent of Romi & Michelle?

Hmmm....I'm not sure I like the way you refer to my posts as "bloggy nuggets"  It sounds a little bit like something cows leave behind when you say it like that.

I've basically started writing a letter from Purgatory every day after I do my blog post....and just like my blog posts some of them are winners and some are bloggy nuggets.

I'm not saying it's going to be good.  But I will finish it.  I will.

2.  I lost all self-control today and went to McDonald's for lunch and now feel like someone should roll me around in a wheel barrel.  What is your go to binge snack.  Binge meal?  What about your favorite dessert?

Ummm....you lost self control and went to McDonald's?  You need to re-think a binge baby.  A binge is CULVER'S. 

A butterburger.  A large crinkle fries.  An Ice tea.  And for dessert?  Culver's fat and calorie laden CUSTARD (not ice cream, ice cream is for sissies). 

That is what a binge looks like Thea.  I have so much I could teach you.

3.  Imagine you have unlimited funds and a week off from life.  What kind of vacationer are you?  Adventurer?  Relaxer?  Mountains?  Beach?

You know, I'm not much of an adventurer.  I've never been out of the country.  My favorite vacations have all been to Disney World.  Is that you yawning?

However, I have a trip planned and paid for to visit Venice.  It will be an adventure for me and CoCo (my oldest who is 11)  We are going to visit all the places mentioned in The Thief Lord so it will be quite a trip.  Of course, it will be the first trip out of the country for both of us which will add to the excitement.  Let's just hope we make it back.

4.  If you didn't blog (and weren't writing a book) what would you do with all your new found free time?

That is an excellent question.  I would probably spend that time cartooning.  Something I've dabbled in (badly) for a long time.  I like to think I'm funny but my art needs work.  I once wrote an entire series of cartoons about an Aardvark living with an American family.  It was called American Aardvark.  No, I will never show you examples.

5.  No, seriously.  When's my Starbucks card coming?  : )

Oh the shame.  Have you ever heard the expression, "It's in the mail?"  No?  Well, it will be...very soon.  I promise (is that an echo or have you heard that before).

Interview with Fat Bridesmaid

So, here is interview #2 for my series, " People I Like and who will Answer my inane Questions".  FAT BRIDESMAID!  She is a young woman at the beginning of her career who is refreshingly honest and funny.  Her posts always make me wish I was more like her.  Seriously. 

I asked her questions for her blog, go here to see that.  And here are the questions she had for me:

1.  It's obvious to anyone who reads your blog that being a good mom is important to you and you're really proud of the little ladies you're raising.  What's been your proudest moment as a mom?

Wow.  Hard to pick a moment that's made me the proudest.  There's a thousand little moments every day that make me proud, and about the same amount that make me cringe....but that's not what you asked. 

I am proud of my girls whenever they forgive one another, show compassion to other kids (especially their sisters), live up to their potential and resist the urge to eat their own boogers.

2. A couple weeks ago you wrote an entry about your decision to file for divorce, which took a lot of guts.  Was there a point when you debated about whether or not to share such a personal choice with your blog readers? And how to do decide between what's blog-worthy and what's too personal to share? (Yes that's two questions in one, I'm crazy sneaky like that.)

You know, I debated that one for a long time.  It was not easy.  But I felt I needed to put it out there because sometimes commenters mention my husband in their comments.

It's a big part of what's going on with me and the girls these days so I included it to clue people in I've kept a lot of what's been going on out of the blog but the headlines all go in.

3. You're going to write a book -- Letters from Purgatory (a title so awesome I'm still kicking myself for not thinking of it first).  What's the story?

Well, I've still only got two letters written from purgatory.  It's shaping up to be a book about someone going through a tough time and writing letters to a mysterious friend.  With only two letters it's not even a short story yet.  I would compare it to C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters and Romi and Michelle's High School Reunion.

4. You are a hot shot real-life big wig at work and I am, well, totally not.  Any advice for a wanna-be who is just starting off in the world of office work?

Ya know, I'm full of advice (and b.s.).  However, the best advice I ever got was from a friend early in my career.  "Keep Moving Forward."  Which also happens to be the catch phrase for the movie Meet the Robinsons...but I digress.

Basically, F.B.  keep moving forward by learning all that you can in a job and then move on to learn more.  The more experience you have the better off you will be in the long run (especially if you end up consulting like everyone else in America does at some time or another).  So there is my advice from the executive suite...for what it's worth.

5.  I did some digging through your archives and it turns out you're a big Jane Austen fan. If you were a character in any of her books, who do you think you would be? (For the record: I would want to be Elizabeth Bennet from Pride & Prejudice but in reality I think I'm more like Elinor Dashwood from Sense & Sensibility.)

Great Question, I am probably most like Mr. Darcy.  Incredibly rich but misunderstood because of my off-putting personality.  I'm just shy. 

Oh wait, that's not me at all.  I'm probably most like Maryanne Dashwood.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I tend to be inappropriate.

6.  About a year ago you took the plunge and chopped all of your hair off.  Now, I'm a big fan of having short hair but it's a big change and as I recall you weren't completely in love with it.  Has the look grown on you? (OH! See what I did there with the pun? Go me!)

My hair is in full-on growing out mode which means most days it looks bad.  I'm a long haired girl at heart....mostly because I need to be able to put it in a ponytail when I'm running late.

7. I'm headed to Chicago in July for BlogHer and it's one of my favorite cities.  What's your absolute favorite place to go/thing to do in Chicago (besides the Oprah studio)?

It's one of my favortie cities too.  The energy is fantastic, and there is so much to do.  I am still hoping to live on Lake Shore Drive someday.

I think if I was going to do one thing while I was in Chicago for a couple of days at your age I would hang out on Michigan avenue, and then hit some of the eateries and a bar or too.

Oh, and my new hobby is looking in the Chicago River for dead bodies.....

Interview with Andrea of Finding Fairy Tales

I discovered Andrea through ...   ummm ...  I am not sure how I discovered Andrea at Finding Fairy Tales.  I may have blocked it out.  However, it's been a couple of  months of laughing out loud as she regaled us with tales of laundry, her car (the bitch), her dog (who sometimes poops on the laundry room floor) and various other banalities turned hysterical with some of the most colorful language that I ever read (DO NOT GO OVER THERE IF COLORFUL LANGUAGE OFFENDS YOU).  She kills me.  Anyway, she has kindly offered to do an interview swap with me today.  Go here if you want to read her answers to my questions.  And here we go...

1.Do you get to see Oprah every day 'cause you live in Chicago?  Is her head really that big, or does tv make it look that way and add 10 pounds just to her head?

No, O and I are very tight.  And while she is far to busy to see me every day, we make it a point to never go more than 38 years without seeing one another.  You may recall that I sat in the very.last.row of her audience last year with my peeps from the 'hood.  There was some sort of mix-up because she promised I could be on her Favorite Things show this year (she's promised and promised) but instead I was on a show called, "Ding, Dong it's Nate"  and she knows that Nate Berkus have been on chilly terms ever since he stole my boyfriend in 1987

Her head is enormous.

    
     2.    What made you decide to write a book?  Is it a tell-all? Like "I was secretly a call girl in college until I found religion"?  What do you want the world to know about you...and why do you think I like to read your blog? 
 

First, I wish I'd done enough interesting things to write a "tell-all" sadly there is very little to tell.

I've always had ideas for books floating around my cranium.  Fortunately most of them will stay there.  I've even got some really good chapters written for the book that eventually became this blog.  Motherhood.  Dog Poop (these are topics with which you are familiar, no?)  I like to write but blogging is my best media....  I've got two "letters" written from purgatory, so my progress is slow.

     3.  Is Chicago the murder capital of the US?  How many dead bodies would you guess are floating in the river?  Does Chicago even have a river?
  

Yes.  Chicago was the Murder capital of the US in 2008.  And if you ask me again I'll put a cap in your ass.

The Chicago River is famous, Andy.  I've never seen a a body floating in it.  Then again I've never looked for a body floating in it. 

     4.  How many years were you married, and was/is your husband a jerkface?  Plus, is he hot?    
     

Well, we were married for 12 years.  He is not a jerkface.  That is all I am going to say about that.  And yes, I've been told by men and women alike that he is, in fact, hot.

     5.Do you seriously wear those hot red stiletto heels?

You are not going to believe this....I don't own a single pair of red shoes.  I own some platform stilettos but they are "professional sexy" as opposed to sexy sexy.    When I went back to work I got some new clothes, and some new shoes, and a new attitude.  I have good shoes now.

Interview?

So, I've done a couple of interviews with other bloggers.  I've talked to Beth from I Should be Folding Laundry here.  I talked to the Dork at Dorky Dad on this post.  I interviewed Lynette at The Best Things in Life are Three last week here. 

Great Fun.  Beth and Lynette both also interviewed me which was a lot of fun. The Dork wasn't interested in interviewing me or watching The Office....but I digress. I would love to do an interview swap with YOU (providing you have a blog and the requisite $40,000 interviewing fee that I charge).  There's got to be one or two of you that could come up with between 5-8 questions to ask little old me.  right?  Is that crickets chriping?

Anyone?